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No Country For Old Namekians/Transcript
DISCLAIMER KAISERNEKO: The following is a non-profit fan-based parody. DragonBall, DragonBall Z, and DragonBall GT are all owned by FUNimation, Toei Animation, Fuji TV, and Akira Toriyama. Please support the official release. (scene shows Gohan and Krillin on top of a cliff, overlooking Freeza with his men interrogating a Namekian village) KRILLIN: Alright, Gohan, keep your power level down. GOHAN: Well I'm trying, but I can't seem to get it as low as yours, Krillin. KRILLIN: But I haven't eve-- I mean... yeah. Like me. GOHAN: Krillin, look! The Dragon Balls! KRILLIN: Whoa, those things are huge! AC/DC be damned. Geez. These aliens are scary. Especially that one in the front. Looks like a total F.A.G. GOHAN: Krillin! KRILLIN: What? A Freaky Alien Genotype. What'd you think I meant? GOHAN: Oh, I thought you were calling him a derogatory term for homosexual. KRILLIN: THAT THING'S A GUY?! SEQUENCE (scene shows Dodoria turning his head and looking upward, facing the direction where Krillin and Gohan are hiding) DODORIA: Hm? What was that? (Krillin and Gohan are seen ducking; trying not to get spotted) KRILLIN: Um... (off-screen) Quack! DODORIA: Oh, it's just a space duck. MOURI: Who are you? FRIEZA: Hello. Allow us to introduce ourselves. My name is Frieza, and we're a traveling improv group. Here, let me give you a demonstration. My men shall play a group of drunken sailors, and you're a bunch of baby seals. Aaaand, go. (Zarbon murders two Namekians) Aaand, scene. MOURI: What do you want from us? Why are you slaughtering our people? FRIEZA: Well, you see, I was just in the area and I thought this would be a delightful place for a summer home-- what the f**k do you think I’m here for? MOURI: ...Our trees? FRIEZA: ...Zarbon, two or three more. ZARBON: Two or three more? FREEZA: Two or three more. (Zarbon murders two more Namekians) FRIEZA: Very good, Zarbon. See, why can't you be more like him, Dodoria? DODORIA: Sorry. Just listening to the space duck. KRILLIN: (off-screen) Quack! Quack! DODORIA: What a majestic creature. FRIEZA: Now, then, all kidding aside... Where's the Dragon Ball? MOURI: We don't have it. FRIEZA: You know, I'd be inclined to believe you if the last village elder didn't say the exact same thing... until we killed everyone and tortured the information out of him, of course. It's the darnedest thing, too... You're beginning to remind me a lot of him. MOURI: Please. Do not be upset. FRIEZA: Oh, I don’t get upset. I have people to do that for me. Dodoria? DODORIA: With gusto. (Dodoria places the two Dragon Balls he is currently holding on the ground. Both Dende and Cargo cling onto Mouri while Dodoria stands up. Mouri glares at Dodoria, preparing for the worst, before Dodoria's scouter starts beeping.) NAMEKIAN WARRIOR: Stop right there! (three Namekian warriors arrive at scene) FRIEZA: Oh, look, more baby seals. NAMEKIAN WARRIOR: We're here to stop this senseless slaughter of our people. FRIEZA: Ninety-two... NAMEKIAN WARRIOR: This has gone on for too long. And now, you're going to pay. FRIEZA: Three hundred and fifty-five... NAMEKIAN WARRIOR: We are... We... What are you...? FRIEZA: No, go on. Continue. Don't mind me. NAMEKIAN WARRIOR: And... We are the ones who will stop you. FRIEZA: Ooh, wow. Four hundred and nineteen. NAMEKIAN WARRIOR: 'That's... (''record scratch) What the hell are you doing?! '''FRIEZA: Oh, sorry, it's a little hobby of mine. I hear these heroic speeches so wearily often. So I've started keeping a mental list of how many times I've heard certain lines. NAMEKIAN WARRIOR: You... You insane bastard. FRIEZA: One hundred and ninety. NAMEKIAN WARRIOR: Yeah? Well, uh, we're going... to... F**K YOUR FACE! FRIEZA: Ohoho, my! Twelve. NAMEKIAN WARRIOR: (growls in anger) FRIEZA: Zarbon, give the command. ZARBON: Dodoria, give the command. DODORIA: Get 'em. (Frieza's soldiers begin charging at the Namekian warriors. The Namekian warriors seem to have the upper hand as they take down some of Frieza's soldiers one by one.) GOHAN: Krillin, we have to help them! KRILLIN: Gohan, we need to stick to the plan. Quack! GOHAN: What plan? You just keep quacking over and over. KRILLIN: And we're still alive! (The Namekians warriors continue to fight off Frieza's men) ZARBON: Sir, they seem to be stronger than we thought. FRIEZA: Oh, how cute. They can hide their little power levels. (explosion occurs with the scream of an unlucky soldier) DODORIA: Kinda killing our guys. FRIEZA: Oh, we have more of those things back at the ship. It's not like we’re losing anything valuable. (Mouri destroy Dodoria's scouter along with a scouter lying on the ground and a scouter from a dead soldier) FRIEZA: (closes his eyes and groans) MOURI: Hah! Now you can no longer find our villages! FRIEZA: Dodoria. Kill them. DODORIA: 'Kay. NAMEKIAN WARRIOR: Come on, bring it! There's three of us, and one of you! DODORIA: Man, you must suck at math even worse than me. NAMEKIAN WARRIOR: What do you mean? DODORIA: There’s only TWO of you. NAMEKIAN WARRIOR: That’s not right... (gets impaled by Dodoria) Gaaaaaah! (scene shifts to Capsule Corporation with Goku arriving and jumping off Nimbus) MRS. BRIEFS: (throws a watering can) Goku! It’s been too long! GOKU: Hi there, Mrs. Briefs! MRS. BRIEFS: Oh, Goku, you can call me what everyone else calls me. GOKU: What’s that? MRS. BRIEFS: MILF. I have no idea what it means, but it’s just the cutest little name. DR. BRIEFS: Well, you are quite the MILF, honey. Now what are you doing out of the kitchen? MRS. BRIEFS: Oh, my mistake! DR. BRIEFS: Remember what I told you, sweetie: DR. and MRS. BRIEFS: Wives are for kissing, not talking! (both of them start laughing while Goku looks absentmindedly) MRS. BRIEFS: Have fun, you two! GOKU: (entering the spaceship) Wow. Is this the ship? DR. BRIEFS: Well, Bulma told me to start on it while you were in the hospital. In case anything went wrong. GOKU: Krillin? DR. BRIEFS: Krillin. The good thing is it’s almost all done. GOKU: Wow! This is just the best day ever! (Scene shifts to Planet Namek with Dodoria headbutting a Namekian warrior into a cliff, killing him. Mouri looks in horror at his fallen comerade.) DODORIA: Whoops. Looks like I miscounted. I must be having an off day. FRIEZA: Bravo, Dodoria. (to Mouri) Now, seeing as we have no one left to threaten you with... (notices Dende and Cargo) Oh, wait. what are those adorable little things over there? MOURI: You wouldn't... FRIEZA: They're just so cute, though. I could just pinch their little heads off. Are you going to make me do that? Because at this point I could go both ways. ZARBON: As could I, Lord Frieza. MOURI: (handing Frieza the Dragon Ball) Fine. Here. Take the ball. And leave us be. KRILLIN: (one of Frieza's henchmen is seen taking the Dragon Ball) See, Gohan? He's handing over the Dragon Ball. Now no one else has to die. FRIEZA: Oh, just one more question. Could you point us in the direction of the next village? You seem to have destroyed our scouters. MOURI: That wasn't part of our deal! FRIEZA: And five hundred! (Dende and Cargo start to run away) Dodoria, show them what they've won! (Dodoria fires a mouth blast at Cargo, killing him. Mouri, Krillin, and Gohan are all horrified at what they had just witnessed.) GOHAN: Krillin, he's killing them! KRILLIN: Happy thoughts, Gohan! Happy thoughts! MOURI: You... You killed my son! DODORIA: Yeah, sorry about that. How 'bout I do you a favor? (disappears) MOURI: Huh? (Dodoria appears behind Mouri and murders him by snapping his neck) DODORIA: There. Now you won't miss him. (Gohan is starting to become angry) FRIEZA: Oh, and while you’re at it, could you deal with the rest? (Dende turns around and starts to run away, but Dodoria easily cuts off his escape. Gohan is seen trying to control his anger) DODORIA: I really do love kids. They don't leave much of a mess. KRILLIN: (trying to calm Gohan down) Breathe, Gohan. You're a leaf... A leaf in a calm stream... GOHAN: (pissed) F**K THE STREAM!!! (leaps from the cliff) DODORIA: The hell was... (Gohan kicks Dodoria in the face, sending him flying into a Namekian house) DODORIA: Did I just get hit by a bowl cut? (Krillin kicks Dodoria in the face and grabs Dende) KRILLIN: Quack! (both him and Gohan fly away) FRIEZA: Zarbon... What the hell was that? ZARBON: I believe that was the space duck, sir. (scene shifts to planet Earth with an outside view of a Capsule Corp. spaceship) GOKU: (walking around inside the ship) This ship is awesome! Now, where's that button that makes blueberry muffins? DR. BRIEFS: There is no button like that. I never even considered that. GOKU: Are you sure? It'd be really nice to wake up in the morning, push a button, and have muffins. That'd be great. Wink. Wink. DR. BRIEFS: Dammit, there is no muffin button! GOKU: Darn. So, is it ready to take off then, Dr. Briefs? DR. BRIEFS: Goodness no! I still have to install the cappuccino machine! GOKU: But... But I don't even drink coffee! DR. BRIEFS: It's not coffee, Goku, it's cappuccino. Now stay here; I need to grab the parts from my shop. Make sure not to touch anything, like the gravity controls. Or the Start button. The Start button. Don't touch... the Start button. Now I'll be right back. (leaves the ship) GOKU: Okey Dokey. (after a short pause) ''I wonder if this is the button. ''(pushes the Start button, causing the ship to takeoff into space) ''WHEEEEEEEEE!!! '''DR. BRIEFS:' No! Goku! He's blasted himself off into space! What has science dooone?! Sweetie, I do not see a sandwich with that beer. SEQUENCE STINGER (scene shifts to outer space with Goku's spaceship flying towards the sun) GOKU: (from inside the spaceship) Mmmm, those muffins smell like they're almost done!